Mr. Knight
This time last year was completely different. Things are always better when you’re not sleeping together. He took me out and was a gentleman. He even surprised me. Then the following day he came over even after having a bad day. It was like he wanted to see me after having a bad day. I guess it was just the initial lust, or maybe he didn’t know me well enough. It always tuns out that when I start loving them, they stop loving me.
I feel used and lied to. I even gave him the option of whatever he wanted, but it wasn’t that exciting, I guess. Why can I never just accept it and move on before it gets worse? He’s made it more than clear that it’s never going to be anything. That used to be different too. He used to talk differently and make me think I was more than just a fling. I need to be strong and just end it. I feel stupid when he ignores me and I know he’s just using me. I don’t know how to walk away from someone I love. It’s not worth putting myself through the same torture as before. He doesn’t love me or want to be with me, so I can’t invest myself.
And I thought the airport thing was a sign. I see such great stuff in him, I don’t want to walk away because then it’s my fault. I want to let him walk away because then he’s the one who ruined it. I need to look at it the other way around…I need to respect myself. Even if I walk away, it’s because of his actions. I love him, even the not perfect parts, but I have to make sure I am respected. At first it was just “bad timing” that we found each other now. But not anymore, now he’s just using me. He always turns it around when I try to stand up for myself. When I tell him how I’m feeling, he sees it as me telling him how he screwed up. It’s turned around and then I become the bad guy. It’s not going to last, so I should just give up. I just want him to know that I love him for him.
