Don’t Drink Tea at Night
I’ve been in a mood to write lately. Not anything particular, and certainly not anything of value. I guess I’ve been depressed and I need a way to get through it.
I feel like I’m a fraud, like I’ve been lying to everyone my whole life. I always get the benefit of the doubt and it’s like no one ever realizes I don’t deserve it. Sure no one is perfect, but the things I always thought I was good at, I’m just failing at now. It’s like I’m really good at lying to one group of people and pretending I fit in somewhere else, but in reality I don’t fit in anywhere. In the geeky computer science group I was mediocre at programming, but had better social skills than most. In a normal social crowd I’m awkward and I feel like I don’t belong there either.
The hardest part of living is not connecting with human beings. I like to say I’m a loner, but really I just lack the social skills to connect with other people. I know everyone feels that way at times, but I always feel this way. I don’t trust people. I can’t trust people. I can’t forgive people who have hurt me.
I can’t imagine being 60 years old and being utterly alone. I don’t want to live like that.
