Self Loathing
Lately, I’ve been extremely hard on myself. Today at work I did something the wrong way. I wasn’t scolded for it, but I made the mistake of bringing it up in a staff meeting and so everyone talked about how I went about it all wrong for a while. My thoughts ranged from: “damnit I screwed up”, to justifying it since no one ever told me different, to wanting to cry because I should’ve known better, to yelling at myself for acting so childish over something stupid, to wondering if people think I’m doing a poor job and this is a strike against me. I punished myself one of the most effective ways I know how, with food. I had some lettuce with lemon juice as a dressing for most of the day (yesterday I only had juice all day). I ended up eating crackers at home and then even feeling crappy about that. I didn’t deserve anything to eat and I need to learn not to screw up.
I keep having this idea in my head that I’m going to get fired. I don’t think I’ve ever done anything to actually merit getting fired, but I hate making mistakes and I feel like I should be punished. The scenario plays over and over in my head. I’m called into HR and they sit me down and tell me that a mistake I made was detrimental to my working there. I try to defend myself, but I just end up crying. I ask if I can get my things and sneak out while no one is around so I don’t have to be embarrassed saying goodbye. I come home and cry and stop eating until I shape up and get it all together again.
When I imagine this I get incredibly sad and depressed, and it feels good…because I think deserve to feel that way. I know if I don’t knock it off though, it’s going to be a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I took a step back today and listened to the voices in my head. I’m a complete failure, I’m lazy, fat, and stupid. I would never talk to another person like this, so why do I say these things to myself…and believe them? I read somewhere that this voice isn’t our own…it’s something that was told to us when we were younger and it just stuck. Growing up, I was always perfect..or as close to perfect as I could get. Whenever I did something wrong, got a low grade (anything below 90) or if I wasn’t paying attention in class, I would snap back together. It only took one warning or feeling of failure and I wouldn’t say a word to any other students…I would get 100 on the next 5 tests.
I don’t know how to stop being mean to myself. I think stepping back and hearing the voices as an outside entity was a step in the right direction, but I’m still in complete agreement with them.
