Letters I Wrote For You

Self Loathing

christinerobyn — Wed, 08 Jun 2011 05:51:37 +0000

Lately, I’ve been extremely hard on myself. Today at work I did something the wrong way. I wasn’t scolded for it, but I made the mistake of bringing it up in a staff meeting and so everyone talked about how I went about it all wrong for a while. My thoughts ranged from: “damnit I screwed up”, to justifying it since no one ever told me different, to wanting to cry because I should’ve known better, to yelling at myself for acting so childish over something stupid, to wondering if people think I’m doing a poor job and this is a strike against me. I punished myself one of the most effective ways I know how, with food. I had some lettuce with lemon juice as a dressing for most of the day (yesterday I only had juice all day). I ended up eating crackers at home and then even feeling crappy about that. I didn’t deserve anything to eat and I need to learn not to screw up.

I keep having this idea in my head that I’m going to get fired. I don’t think I’ve ever done anything to actually merit getting fired, but I hate making mistakes and I feel like I should be punished. The scenario plays over and over in my head. I’m called into HR and they sit me down and tell me that a mistake I made was detrimental to my working there. I try to defend myself, but I just end up crying. I ask if I can get my things and sneak out while no one is around so I don’t have to be embarrassed saying goodbye. I come home and cry and stop eating until I shape up and get it all together again.

When I imagine this I get incredibly sad and depressed, and it feels good…because I think deserve to feel that way. I know if I don’t knock it off though, it’s going to be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I took a step back today and listened to the voices in my head. I’m a complete failure, I’m lazy, fat, and stupid. I would never talk to another person like this, so why do I say these things to myself…and believe them? I read somewhere that this voice isn’t our own…it’s something that was told to us when we were younger and it just stuck. Growing up, I was always perfect..or as close to perfect as I could get. Whenever I did something wrong, got a low grade (anything below 90) or if I wasn’t paying attention in class, I would snap back together. It only took one warning or feeling of failure and I wouldn’t say a word to any other students…I would get 100 on the next 5 tests.

I don’t know how to stop being mean to myself. I think stepping back and hearing the voices as an outside entity was a step in the right direction, but I’m still in complete agreement with them.

Don’t Drink Tea at Night

christinerobyn — Thu, 27 Jan 2011 05:20:52 +0000

I’ve been in a mood to write lately. Not anything particular, and certainly not anything of value. I guess I’ve been depressed and I need a way to get through it.

I feel like I’m a fraud, like I’ve been lying to everyone my whole life. I always get the benefit of the doubt and it’s like no one ever realizes I don’t deserve it. Sure no one is perfect, but the things I always thought I was good at, I’m just failing at now. It’s like I’m really good at lying to one group of people and pretending I fit in somewhere else, but in reality I don’t fit in anywhere. In the geeky computer science group I was mediocre at programming, but had better social skills than most. In a normal social crowd I’m awkward and I feel like I don’t belong there either.

The hardest part of living is not connecting with human beings. I like to say I’m a loner, but really I just lack the social skills to connect with other people. I know everyone feels that way at times, but I always feel this way. I don’t trust people. I can’t trust people. I can’t forgive people who have hurt me.

I can’t imagine being 60 years old and being utterly alone. I don’t want to live like that.

Happy Birthday to Me

christinerobyn — Tue, 25 Jan 2011 04:16:36 +0000

I used to think that birthdays were special. It was a time where you and the people you love celebrate the day you were brought into existence. Maybe it’s all the toys, or attention, or the fact that when you’re younger you don’t have any real worries, but somewhere along the line you grow up and birthdays just arent the same anymore. You come to realize it’s just a day like any other day and that no magical creature is going to whisk you away to an imaginary land.

Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t have a horrible day. Sure I woke up to my cat crapping on the floor behind the TV, and I unsuccessfully tried to rebuild a crashed server at work. But I also spent time with people I love. I had a delicious dinner and got a new wireless printer.

Birthdays are just different now. Part of me is sad because I feel like I’m turning into an adult. I’ve lost that naive optimism that only kids have…

Marabelle’s

christinerobyn — Wed, 19 Jan 2011 04:25:52 +0000

I went out to eat with your grandfather the other day. He called me and told me he’d really like it if we could get together. He sounded so sad. He told me he hardly ever hears from you. I know calling family or feeling obligated to do anything is not your style, but once he’s gone you’ll never get to talk to the sweet, caring man he was. We went over to your mother’s house and talking to her was like talking to an old friend. It was nice to feel like I was part of a family even if we were only getting together to catch up.

Mr. Knight

christinerobyn — Sat, 18 Sep 2010 16:25:49 +0000

This time last year was completely different. Things are always better when you’re not sleeping together. He took me out and was a gentleman. He even surprised me. Then the following day he came over even after having a bad day. It was like he wanted to see me after having a bad day. I guess it was just the initial lust, or maybe he didn’t know me well enough. It always tuns out that when I start loving them, they stop loving me.

I feel used and lied to. I even gave him the option of whatever he wanted, but it wasn’t that exciting, I guess. Why can I never just accept it and move on before it gets worse? He’s made it more than clear that it’s never going to be anything. That used to be different too. He used to talk differently and make me think I was more than just a fling. I need to be strong and just end it. I feel stupid when he ignores me and I know he’s just using me. I don’t know how to walk away from someone I love. It’s not worth putting myself through the same torture as before. He doesn’t love me or want to be with me, so I can’t invest myself.

And I thought the airport thing was a sign. I see such great stuff in him, I don’t want to walk away because then it’s my fault. I want to let him walk away because then he’s the one who ruined it. I need to look at it the other way around…I need to respect myself. Even if I walk away, it’s because of his actions. I love him, even the not perfect parts, but I have to make sure I am respected. At first it was just “bad timing” that we found each other now. But not anymore, now he’s just using me. He always turns it around when I try to stand up for myself. When I tell him how I’m feeling, he sees it as me telling him how he screwed up. It’s turned around and then I become the bad guy. It’s not going to last, so I should just give up. I just want him to know that I love him for him.

One Year

christinerobyn — Fri, 17 Sep 2010 16:12:25 +0000

It’s been a year since we’ve seen each other. There’s no point in reliving anything, but I can still remember it like it was yesterday. It was halfway to St. Patty’s Day at the bar you and your friends love to go to and you invited me. It was just the two of us at the bar for a long time and then we met some law/phD students. When our other friends came, they stayed away from us and it was clear that they weren’t “our” friends anymore… they were back to being only yours. You lied about a few things involved your new lady friend, and I ended up leaving upset. I didn’t even want to go out that night, but I was happy you wanted to spend time with me.

A part of me wishes that the last time we were together wasn’t so negative, but I always knew that’s what it would take to never want to see you again.

I’m so glad it’s all over.

Susie

christinerobyn — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 17:03:08 +0000

Susie died. I genuinely feel like my best friend is gone. She was always there, always happy. She knew me better than anyone, even if she didn’t understand things the way we do. She was my little girl, my baby, the one who was always there with me when I cried. I never hid anything from her, I didn’ have to. And she always still loved me.

Dad found her laying on the floor, and wrapped her up in one of his shirts. I can’t even imagine what it was like to physically put her body in the ground.

This is the first time I’ve ever been scared about death. I’ve always thought it more to be about the people left behind rather than the one who actually died. But this time, I was scared. Scared for her. I wasn’t there for her when she went. She had to face death all alone, with no one at her side. I can see why people cling to the thought of Heaven or an afterlife. It seems so cold to just imagine her not existing anymore.

I’ll always love you more than words can ever explain.

Safe

christinerobyn — Sun, 16 May 2010 04:48:50 +0000

I went out tonight, and I made it home safe. I know you don’t care, but I wanted to tell you anyway.

“I Love Lucy” Was Never Just a Title

christinerobyn — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 07:22:30 +0000

Someday I’ll stop writing you letters.

Someday the spark we felt will diminish.

I wish I could pretend I never felt it.

I wish you weren’t my best friend, and that I never trusted you.

I think I’ll remember that feeling for the rest of my life.

No matter how many times you screamed, or threatened, or made fun of me to your friends.

Once two people existed, with love that could shake the Earth. And after that split second of perfection, we gave each other a Hell I hope other people never feel.

‘”I Love Lucy” was never just a title.’ – Desi Arnez

Compatibility

christinerobyn — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 07:18:46 +0000

Woah, might there be people out there that are compatible and I could love? I’m not saying I’ve met anyone that serious, but there are people out there who like music, and traveling, and doing things I enjoy. I don’t know what was so special about our sparks, especially because we had to many differences. What made me fall head over heels for you, despite being complete opposites?