In the words of a broken heart…
It’s just emotions
Taking me over
I’m Caught up in sorrow
Lost in the song
But if you don’t come back
Come home to me, darling
Don’t you know there’s nobody left in this world to hold me tight?
And don’t you know there’s nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight
(Destiny’s Child, Emotion)
I’m wondering about emotions. Things seem so much easier when you take emotions out of the picture. I’m trying to train my self-discipline again, do things I need to whether I want to or not. I’ve been confused lately. Our anniversary would be coming up in a week and I’m sad. I keep going back and forth between telling myself to realize how much happier I am without you, yet I’m used to you being there. I wasn’t upset or thinking about you for a long time, and now that the 20th is coming up, I’m sad. I don’t want to let myself cry because I don’t want you to have anymore power over me.
I want to scream at you for being so hypocritical and never listening to me (and saying that you’re always right).
I’m just going to lock away my emotions for a while until I can get them under control.
Stop Being…
I guess this all seems silly and pathetic now. I’m going through a weird phase now. I’m not exactly sad, and I actually feel a lot of disgust towards the recent past. I think now I’m just confused how things progressed the way they did. I know it was a long time coming. But I’m scared that two people that clicked so well in the beginning, can have the situation we have now. (Not that there is a situation, but how it all ended.)
I’m worried that I’m going to potentially find someone who I have feelings for like I did you, and we’re going to end up hating each other.
I’m trying to figure out how everyone is so in love, and getting engaged/married, yet we hate each other.
I know it’s just emotions now, not of getting my heart broken, but being pissed about the other things. I’m ashamed to say I really want to forget your existence. I want to talk to/see your family, but I want to pretend you were never born. Generally, I’m one for cherishing memories and the past, but I just can’t with you. I really do wish I could wipe every string of your being out of my head.
Selfish
I guess I’ve finally realized something. I’ve finally figured out how selfish and lazy I am. I expect anyone close to me, to make me the center of their world. I did this to you and everyone else I’ve ever been close with. I hide behind lyme disease and depression, but there’s nothing wrong with me except being a spoiled little brat.
We really did love each other in the beginning, and then once we got comfortable, I showed you my true colors. I loved you, but I loved myself more.
I know you genuinely don’t love me anymore, and I don’t blame you. We had a lot of problems and not all of them were my fault, but they all came from my selfishness. I have never ever felt so elated as I did with you. I don’t know that I will ever find someone I love as much as you. I’m foolish for ruining something that could’ve been amazing.
Actions speak louder than words.
Memories
I can go back to periods of my life, and remembering them feels like taking a trip there. The holidays, winter, cold air, etc, remind me of Josh. It’s a weird remembering. It’s not exactly happy or sad, but the effects are intense. I don’t wish I was back in that situation, I don’t wish we were still together, and I don’t feel jealousy. It’s just like smelling the cold air, or going to a coffee shop in the winter time, they take me back and the memories are so vivid, it’s like I’m reliving it at that very moment.
I remember that excitement of getting to know someone, and all of a sudden those memories come flooding back. When I close my eyes, I feel like I’m there, standing by my car, huddling for warmth because I’m not wearing a jacket. The only thing I can think of is that these events made such an impact on me , my brain plays tricks and recalls them vividly. Josh controls my winter memories.
I get the same type of thing when I’m at my parents house in the summer. But not so much as memories, but as feelings. feelings of being away from someone I loved, and remembering the feelings of when we fought. After a day of being at my parents, I’m instantly depressed. There’s not any reason for it. The feelings just creep up.
You Can Laugh…
I heard something that you said about me, and it really hurts. I know it doesn’t really matter what other people say or think, but it was a really low blow and I never thought someone I trusted so much would ever share my secrets, or call me names.
I’m afraid to trust people, because you were the one person I would never expect to betray my trust. You *promised* you wouldn’t tell another soul certain things, and now you joke about them. I really don’t understand how you could do that. I know you’re a good person.
I know you don’t love me, and I even understand that you’re rebelling against monogamy, but why do you have to make fun of me to your friends? Maybe you just think I’ll never know about it, but people talk.
It’s probably my problem for hiding things I don’t want people to know, but everyone has those secrets. I really want to talk to someone, but what if they turn out like you? It really hurts when you make fun of me.
Speechless
I have things to say. Important things. Like how I would never trade all those nights talking, when the hours seemed like minutes. Or waking up to our legs entangled in one another. Or laughing for hours on end.
Because a tiny glimpse of bliss is better than a lifetime of mediocrity.
I’ve Learned
I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is be someone who can be loved.
The rest is up to them.
I’ve learned that no matter how much I care,
some people just don’t care back.
And it’s not the end of the world.
I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust,
and only seconds to destroy it.
I’ve learned that it’s not what you have in your life,
but who you have in your life that counts.
I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you’d better know something.
I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself
to the best others can do,
but to the best you can do.
I’ve learned that it’s not what happens to people,
It’s what they do about it.
I’ve learned that no matter how thin you slice it,
there are always two sides.
I’ve learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words.
It may be the last time you see them.
I’ve learned that you can keep going
long after you think you can’t.
I’ve learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done
When it needs to be done
regardless of the consequences.
I’ve learned that there are people who love you dearly,
but just don’t know how to show it.
I’ve learned that sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry,
but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.
I’ve learned that true friendship continues to grow even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.
I’ve learned that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to
doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.
I’ve learned that no matter how good a friend is,
they’re going to hurt you every once in a while
and you must forgive them for that.
I’ve learned that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I’ve learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken,
the world doesn’t stop for your grief.
I’ve learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are,
but we are responsible for who we become.
I’ve learned that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean that they don’t love each other.
And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.
I’ve learned that sometimes you have to put the individual
ahead of their actions.
I’ve learned that two people can look at the exact same thing
and see something totally different.
I’ve learned that no matter the consequences,
those who are honest with themselves get farther in life.
I’ve learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours
by people who don’t even know you.
I’ve learned that even when you think you have no more to give,
when a friend cries out to you,
you will find the strength to help.
I’ve learned that writing,
as well as talking,
can ease emotional pains.
I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life
are taken from you too soon.
I’ve learned that it’s hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice
and not hurting people’s feelings and standing up for what you believe.
I’ve learned to love
and be loved.
I’ve learned..
-Omar B Washington
Abuse
Remember that time I had a really important doctor’s appointment, and you wouldn’t go with me because it was the day after the election and you wanted to know what Teske was going to say about it?
The opinion of some coked out psychology teacher was more important that supporting me. You know how afraid of hospitals I am.
Why did I let you treat me that way for so long?
Remember all the times you used to scream and humiliate me in public? And when you threatened to “beat the fuck” out of me?
And you have the nerve to blame me for so much. You really did screw with my mind. It’s my fault for accepting it, and you knew I wasn’t strong enough to leave. I thought I needed someone who wouldn’t be there for me, or kiss me, or tell me that they loved me?
You kept treating me like garbage until finally you found someone else who interested you more. I really don’t think you would’ve ended it for good if it weren’t for your new love interest. Word on the street is that she doesn’t want anything to do with you…good.
Your excuse for waiting so long is that you didn’t want to hurt me? Sweet, you didn’t want to break my heart, but you didn’t mind threatening to beat the fuck out of me. Your reason? Because I was repeating myself. Ha …fantastic. You loved your psychology classes, did you not think you were being emotionally abusive? You expect me to say “okay, you broke up with me…cool.”
I should’ve left a long time ago, and that’s my fault, but you should’ve never treated another human being like you treated me.
Death of relationships
I’ve been missing you a lot lately. I think I’m getting lonely again. I’m not doing well with money. I don’t think I’m buying too many expensive things, I’m just having a hard time with the basics.
I’m scared, and I wish you were here to go through everything with me. I have no clue how to be a grown up. At least with you, I wasn’t alone.
Steve and Erin are getting a divorce. I’m not too surprised after finding out they were going to a more open relationship, but they did seem to genuinely care for each other. Maybe it’s all just an act. I admit that’s a possibility. It makes me question my views on relationships again. They made me believe there is a semi perfect model for relationships and made me think my way of thinking is wrong because I must not truly love you, if I don’t want you to be completely happy. But maybe they are putting on a show for everyone, and I’m semi-normal?
I wish I could call you and engage in a deep conversation about this…but I know I can’t.
